Today I looked backward and then wished I had not.
I briefly looked into an apartment where I had lived for a long time and was saddened to see the disrepair that it had fallen into. I accept the reality that I am the one who left the apartment and closed the door and I cannot say that I am surprised to find the chaos that seems to have befallen my once premier apartment. Still, seeing it was difficult. I had convinced myself, upon leaving, that I had left the apartment in the hands of a capable manager, even though I had a thorough knowledge of the manager's past track record. I deluded myself in order to make my departure easier on others by assuring them that the apartment was in better hands than ever, when, deep down inside, I knew differently.
I think that is what has made the past few years so difficult.....having to live with my decision to leave all the hard work that I had done to the interior, the exterior, and the inner structure. The hundreds of hours of care-taking and the painstaking attention to details............raising the bar to make the apartment better than all the other apartments in the neighborhood and loving the inhabitants of the apartment. I broke my own heart and I have no one to blame but myself.
Still I am grieving.
